Me and Him

Drip....Drip...Drip! The rain hits my rooftop and demands my attention. The sunset is peaking through the curtain of the clouds to see if it's time to shine. My mind is racing so fast I can't make out a single thought. "Stop thinking!" I try to tell myself, but even that command triggers dozens of thoughts. I'm scared not to think of what could happen and wanting desparately to forget what did. "Stop! Stop thinking!" I say chastising myself. Why can't I just be in the now? 

"Stay Present" is becoming my battlecry. I breathe and try to focus. Jesus, my Daddi, asks me why is it so important to stay on the moment? Dumbfounded I sit still and listen. But only for a moment. Thoughts quickly creep in, I think about the past and all I hear is deception and all my failures. Fearful and nervous that the past will somehow show up again in my future. 

That question still remains "why should I stay present?" If I'm in the present does that mean I'm ok with what happened and I can't plan for what's next? Those questions I know will be answered later but first I must know "why should I stay present?" I answer Jesus with a know it all attitude "You want to teach me in the now to prepare me for the future." Halfway through answering I realize I'm only saying what I know and not what I feel. But Daddi is interested in my heart.

Finally reaching a breakthrough I hear Him ask but what about you? This time my answer is from my heart not my head and it's raw and innocent. "Daddi you know my past and my future and you speak to me about both but here, in the now is where I hear you." 

Daddi lifts me up to my feet and reaches out His hand. He invites me in the rain to have our First Father Daughter dance. At this moment I'm not focused on approval, or being good enough, in this moment, in the present it's just me and Him. 

Romanced into Beauty

  Staying at home defiantly has it's perks but with those perks comes some challenges. As I've mentioned in a prior post having breaks are necessary. One of the breaks I give myself is just time in the quiet. Most the time I find this time while Joah takes a nap. I'll either go outside or sit on the couch with no tv on and rest, read or write! 

  On Febuary 12, 2014 I had the most romantic day of my life. Surprisingly it didn't involve Ryan. That may sound quite scandalous but for me it was inviting. The snow had been falling not wanting to cling just yet to the grass. Joah was snoring and I was snuggled up in a blanket and had just read a chapter of the book "Captivating."

  Jesus had allured me in and began to show me his heart. He had offered His love in a brand new way. I had felt wounded and hurt by the ones who have told me I'm not lovely but Jesus offered his shoulder and wiped my tears and now I'm singing a new song.

  I want the answer to that question "am I captivating?" Jesus has not wavered in His response. I can not find my validation in Ryan. My true validation comes from Him and his answer.. is always "Yes, you are!"  

1 year

   Joah just turned a year! It's so crazy to think that he has been in my life for a year now. He has been such a blessing to Ryan and me. I often times see the progress he has made and how much growth this year has been.
   I decided to go back and look in my journal and read from last years entries. As I began reading them, the way I spoke, wrote and even the voice sounded unrecognizable. I don't even remember some of the things I wrote about. Once I continued reading I noticed something, God has shaped me SO MUCH. The girl writing the passages were me, just in a complete different season. I went through a season of anger about how my body looked while being pregnant. I realize now how selfish that was. There was also a time of complete fear, fear of the unknown and of judgement from peoples approvals. I didn't say these things on paper but after reading I knew that was what I was going through.
   I'm writing this mainly for me to remember later on. Those days were hard and complicated but God grew me there. I have learned that the approvals of man wasn't just from being pregnant but a wound that I had from my childhood. Since then I have discovered how important it is to see me as God sees me. He is proud of me and knows my heart. A quote Pastor had said echos in my heart as I am learning who I am in God. "The only things that don't change are dead things." This is a journey, there will be dips but God is walking with me, guiding me.

Daddi, thank you for changing my life and giving me the opportunity to be a mom. I am so excited to go on this journey with You and grow more.

In Awe

   I never understood the saying, "I could just eat you up!" until Joah was born. When the doctor laid him on my chest, all I wanted to do was kiss and stare at him. I was in awe of him. To this day I still catch myself just staring at him, whether that's while he sleeps or when he giggles. There's something about your child that has the ability to pierce your thoughts. Nothing Joah does, NOTHING, will ever make me not love him. Today, while I was calming him down for a nap, I kept thinking, "He's perfect."

   This past weekend I had the incredible opportunity of hearing from Pablo Giacopelli talk about the heart. It blew my mind! The things that he was saying are hard to even relay to you guys. One of the main things that stuck out to me was that we are so focused on the "Me" that we forget about the "I." The "Me" is full of labels (i.e. your career, your relationships, your name) and it demands that you give your life to it. The "I" is us made IN His image. Pablo so eloquently stated that "When you start to live for the "I" the labels fall off." It's hard to love someone who has wronged you, but when you tell them you love them you don't say "Me love you!" you say "I love you!" To love someone who has wounded you, you must love them from the heart, the real you, the "I."

   Pablo, thank you for these mind blowing truths. But most of all, thank you for the truth that IS changing my life. The truth that "I" am perfect. Yes, you read that right I said I am perfect. Not because of me though, but because I'm not looking at myself as the world truly sees me. I'm beginning to see myself as God made me.

   I know right you are completely baffled at this truth. I'll be honest it took me a while to buy into this truth. After all, it has been a week and I'm just now catching a slight glimpse of it. I couldn't believe I was perfect because I know my darkest secrets and I know my struggles! I am far from perfect! But when I began to see myself as God sees me, this idea became a little easier to grasp.  Thankfully, I am made IN God's image and that makes me perfect. Today, when I was looking at Joah and I had the thought that he was perfect was when I heard God speak to me and say, "So are you, Kayla." HE IS A GOOD GOD! He's not up there in Heaven sitting on His throne thinking, "Why did I create her?" but merely thinking, "I love her and she is perfect." Man that is so freeing!! This reality is a process. It won't happen over night. But, I'm excited to learn and thankfully, there is no timeline with God.

I'm not my Dad

   There are two statements people make when they see Joah. One, "He is probably the happiest baby I've ever seen!" and two, "He is definitely Ryan's kid." The second statement always makes me think. He IS so much like Ryan. He looks like Ryan. He has Ryan's goofy, corky personality. He even dresses like his daddy. He makes almost the exact same facial expressions as Ryan. BUT he is NOT Ryan.

   The other day, Joah and I were playing when the theme song for Mickey Mouse Clubhouse came on. Joah stopped what he was doing to watch. I just stared at my son in adoration and I was in awe of him when I saw his expression on his face. An expression I was familiar with. It was the same expression my husband gets when he is really pleased. It's a half-smile quirk and you can see how happy he is all the way up to his eyes. It was in that moment that God spoke to me so audibly. "Kayla this is how I look at you." At first, I didn't understand what He really meant by that.

  Later that day, I was listening to an older sermon Pastor Hunter Wright had preached on. (http://www.ignitionchurch.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/04/4.7.13_mastered.mp3)

"When you are IN Christ, what is true of you is true of Christ."

   Those words hit me so deeply. Is that what God was saying to me? I began really taking notes on the sermon (something I do often), only this time not because I had to or was told to BUT because I  desperately wanted to know more. As my pen stroked the pages, the words were jumping off, brushing my cheeks ever so softly and helping me understand HOW God loves me. "We are not LIKE Christ we are IN Christ." When I stopped trusting in myself and stopped thinking that I'm never going to be good enough is when I was found IN Christ. When we are IN Christ we reflect God. We are not (and never could be) God, but we do reflect and resemble Him in a lot of ways. You don't have to earn Him! I don't have to earn Him? Man! That speaks loudly to me! In most of my relationships, the amount of love I receive is based upon the amount of effort I put into that relationship. The fact that I don't have to do anything for Him to love me isn't a concept I'm used to, but one I'm extremely thankful for.

   Below is a picture of Ryan (left) as a baby and Joah (right) as a baby. They look VERY similar to each other. Ryan IS his father so Joah should look similar to him. BUT Joah is a reflection of who Ryan is, not that he has to be Ryan, but that he gets to resemble him. These two are a constant reminder of who I am in Christ. I get the opportunity to resemble Christ. Not the burden of trying to be LIKE Christ.

Falling and I Can Get Up

   Fall is in the air! Pumpkins, football and cute boots (and of course my son, Joah). Speaking of Joah, he has mastered the art of pulling up and has now moved on to climbing. Tuesday, he was climbing on the couch and fell off. He cried. I cried. I had tried so hard to keep my hand on him and make sure he didn't fall but that little booger was too fast. It was tough to see my baby hurt. Him falling reminded me of 2 things. (1) I won't always be there to pick Joah up when he falls. But someOne will be. (2) When we fall, God is always there to love us.

  Later that day I began reading through the Gospels and that's when I stumbled upon a thought. How hard must it have been for Mary to watch Jesus endure so much pain on the cross? Did she hurt like I did when Joah was crying? Or was she comforted by the fact that he would be fulfilling the will of God? As a parent, I want my child to follow his dreams---especially those that are given to him by The Holy Spirit. But would I have the courage to trust God with him even when it could be something dangerous? The whole reason Ryan and I wanted to have children was to bring glory to God (see my first blog "Staying With J" for more details). My son isn't my own, He belongs to God. He was and is a gift that God blessed my husband and me with. As tough as it may be, I need to remain faithful to my promise of giving Joah to God.

  Just a year ago, I was trying everything I could to impress God. I did all of the typical Christian things like reading my Bible, listening to only Christian music, and praying as often as I could. While all of those things are good, my intent wasn't. I wanted to be "Super Christian" to impress God. When I forgot to do those things, I felt guilty and felt like God was disappointed. But I was wrong. I don't need to do those things for God to love me, I GET to do these things BECAUSE of the love I have for God. Even when I fall away from Him, He never moves. Religion consumed me. I always felt secure that I knew all I needed to know about who God was. But again, I was wrong. I was more in love with the idea of Jesus than really knowing Him. I thought of him as an angry God who was sitting on His thrown upset with His children every time we fell. But the biggest truth I've learned in this time is that's not who God is at all. When we fall, God doesn't yell and say, "Get back up and do it again--or else!" but He lifts up our head and says, "I love you. Let me help you."

  When I first started this blog, it was just for me to keep track of what God was doing in my new life as a full-time mom. I never realized how much God taught me on a regular basis--until now. One of the ways which God is teaching me is through a book called "Holding On Loosely" By Pablo Giacopelli. A group of people from my church had read it last year but I didn't have the chance to finish it. We had an amazing opportunity to meet with the author and hear his experience of why he wrote the book. When presented with this "new way" of viewing God, I understood it but didn't experience it like the rest of my team. Lately, I've been reminded of this book and this time around God has prepared me to fully listen. This time, my heart was prepared and I am seeing God is a whole new light. I want to share with you one of my favorite quotes on this new view of God from the book;

  "Its about finding a place of balance between completely surrendering, or giving up, and the need to control everything around us and within us." 

   To conclude, I want to explain my title, "Falling and I Can Get Up." With this new view of how God loves me, it has changed everything. It isn't that I have stopped falling, but its that when I DO fall, I know that God's love for me does not change. Each and every time that I fall, I am closer to God than I was before. Looking back on my life, I can see that all of my falls and failures have been to redirect my trajectory. I see God in a new light. I feel God in a new way. I pray that each one of you reading this blog gets the chance to experience God like I have in this last year. It's not about doing, doing, doing. It's about letting go of the control and resting in the arms of Jesus. He has done it all. This is especially true with Joah. I cannot go through this life walking behind him making sure he doesn't fall. He is going to fall. We all do. But, the difference is that when he falls, even when I'm no longer around, Jesus will pick him up and love him, still.
   

  

Comfortability Reality Check

  This past week was my first week home with my son. For months I had anticipated this moment. Staying home with Joah. Ahh! Pure bliss! But nothing could prepare me for the reality of what my new life would actually look like. Luckily, Ryan was off Monday and Tuesday, so that made the transition a little easier. By the time Wednesday rolled around I was more than prepared to be at home alone with Joah...or so I thought. 

  Wednesday morning began with a not-so-good phone call. It put me in panic mode and I freaked out completely. In that moment of surprise, it was clear to me that my trust was in anything but Jesus. All hope was gone. I felt like a complete failure. I had a hard time that day really remembering that Jesus is my hope and my confidence cannot be in my flesh, ONLY in Him. I was reminded that my God is a God who provides. Provision is not something that God does, it's who He is. I am not perfect (and don't claim to be), but hear me on this--I genuinely thought my life was going great, good things were happening and I had it all together--but I began to realize that with those thoughts came arrogance. I was starting to rely on self and not my God. So, after a very humbling experience, God changed my heart and made it new. 

"Don't assume that you know it all, Run to God! Run from evil! Your body will  glow with health, your very bones will vibrate with life! Honor God with everything you own; give him the first and the best" 
Proverbs 3:7-9 MSG 

  I didn't really understand what exactly I was going to endure being a stay at home mom. I guess I just thought it was going to be a "field of daisies" and didn't think about the challenges that would come with it. For example. "when will I get a break?" "how will I have time to re-energize?" and "will it mess Joah's schedule up when I go out into the community?" At first, I was asking these questions out of pure frustration, but over the course of this week, my heart has changed and these questions now have answers. I will get a break. I will have time to re-energize. And being called to share the gospel is not about routine but about relationships.

  My husband and I were driving past my old workplace this afternoon and He says to me, "You didn't think that your life would be easier there than it is at home." He followed that up with the question, "Would you change it if you knew it was going to be this hard?" That really got me thinking. The answer is NO. NO-- I didn't think that my new job as a full-time mommy would be harder than it was at the bank. And NO-- I wouldn't change it for anything. When God calls us to greatER things, it's not always comfortable. It actually rarely is. The challenge and heartache of a greatER calling is a really good thing because it sets God up perfectly to shine. 

"9 But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me." 
2 Corinthians 12:9 ESV

   I thought that being home with Joah was going to be comfortable. I thought that my mommy instincts would take over and it would be smooth sailing from here on out. But, God sent me a "Comfortability Reality Check" on day 1. He has placed this calling on my heart. He gave me and my husband the faith to act on this calling. He will be the One giving me the strength each day to be the mommy He has called me to be. It's not about me. If it was, it really wouldn't work and we would all be in trouble. I am thankful that even though I have so many faults, God chose to use me. 

   I want to leave you with this quote from Pastor Hunter Wright:
"God does not accept our faults and failures like a friend, He removes them like a Savior."