I'm not my Dad

   There are two statements people make when they see Joah. One, "He is probably the happiest baby I've ever seen!" and two, "He is definitely Ryan's kid." The second statement always makes me think. He IS so much like Ryan. He looks like Ryan. He has Ryan's goofy, corky personality. He even dresses like his daddy. He makes almost the exact same facial expressions as Ryan. BUT he is NOT Ryan.

   The other day, Joah and I were playing when the theme song for Mickey Mouse Clubhouse came on. Joah stopped what he was doing to watch. I just stared at my son in adoration and I was in awe of him when I saw his expression on his face. An expression I was familiar with. It was the same expression my husband gets when he is really pleased. It's a half-smile quirk and you can see how happy he is all the way up to his eyes. It was in that moment that God spoke to me so audibly. "Kayla this is how I look at you." At first, I didn't understand what He really meant by that.

  Later that day, I was listening to an older sermon Pastor Hunter Wright had preached on. (http://www.ignitionchurch.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/04/4.7.13_mastered.mp3)

"When you are IN Christ, what is true of you is true of Christ."

   Those words hit me so deeply. Is that what God was saying to me? I began really taking notes on the sermon (something I do often), only this time not because I had to or was told to BUT because I  desperately wanted to know more. As my pen stroked the pages, the words were jumping off, brushing my cheeks ever so softly and helping me understand HOW God loves me. "We are not LIKE Christ we are IN Christ." When I stopped trusting in myself and stopped thinking that I'm never going to be good enough is when I was found IN Christ. When we are IN Christ we reflect God. We are not (and never could be) God, but we do reflect and resemble Him in a lot of ways. You don't have to earn Him! I don't have to earn Him? Man! That speaks loudly to me! In most of my relationships, the amount of love I receive is based upon the amount of effort I put into that relationship. The fact that I don't have to do anything for Him to love me isn't a concept I'm used to, but one I'm extremely thankful for.

   Below is a picture of Ryan (left) as a baby and Joah (right) as a baby. They look VERY similar to each other. Ryan IS his father so Joah should look similar to him. BUT Joah is a reflection of who Ryan is, not that he has to be Ryan, but that he gets to resemble him. These two are a constant reminder of who I am in Christ. I get the opportunity to resemble Christ. Not the burden of trying to be LIKE Christ.

Falling and I Can Get Up

   Fall is in the air! Pumpkins, football and cute boots (and of course my son, Joah). Speaking of Joah, he has mastered the art of pulling up and has now moved on to climbing. Tuesday, he was climbing on the couch and fell off. He cried. I cried. I had tried so hard to keep my hand on him and make sure he didn't fall but that little booger was too fast. It was tough to see my baby hurt. Him falling reminded me of 2 things. (1) I won't always be there to pick Joah up when he falls. But someOne will be. (2) When we fall, God is always there to love us.

  Later that day I began reading through the Gospels and that's when I stumbled upon a thought. How hard must it have been for Mary to watch Jesus endure so much pain on the cross? Did she hurt like I did when Joah was crying? Or was she comforted by the fact that he would be fulfilling the will of God? As a parent, I want my child to follow his dreams---especially those that are given to him by The Holy Spirit. But would I have the courage to trust God with him even when it could be something dangerous? The whole reason Ryan and I wanted to have children was to bring glory to God (see my first blog "Staying With J" for more details). My son isn't my own, He belongs to God. He was and is a gift that God blessed my husband and me with. As tough as it may be, I need to remain faithful to my promise of giving Joah to God.

  Just a year ago, I was trying everything I could to impress God. I did all of the typical Christian things like reading my Bible, listening to only Christian music, and praying as often as I could. While all of those things are good, my intent wasn't. I wanted to be "Super Christian" to impress God. When I forgot to do those things, I felt guilty and felt like God was disappointed. But I was wrong. I don't need to do those things for God to love me, I GET to do these things BECAUSE of the love I have for God. Even when I fall away from Him, He never moves. Religion consumed me. I always felt secure that I knew all I needed to know about who God was. But again, I was wrong. I was more in love with the idea of Jesus than really knowing Him. I thought of him as an angry God who was sitting on His thrown upset with His children every time we fell. But the biggest truth I've learned in this time is that's not who God is at all. When we fall, God doesn't yell and say, "Get back up and do it again--or else!" but He lifts up our head and says, "I love you. Let me help you."

  When I first started this blog, it was just for me to keep track of what God was doing in my new life as a full-time mom. I never realized how much God taught me on a regular basis--until now. One of the ways which God is teaching me is through a book called "Holding On Loosely" By Pablo Giacopelli. A group of people from my church had read it last year but I didn't have the chance to finish it. We had an amazing opportunity to meet with the author and hear his experience of why he wrote the book. When presented with this "new way" of viewing God, I understood it but didn't experience it like the rest of my team. Lately, I've been reminded of this book and this time around God has prepared me to fully listen. This time, my heart was prepared and I am seeing God is a whole new light. I want to share with you one of my favorite quotes on this new view of God from the book;

  "Its about finding a place of balance between completely surrendering, or giving up, and the need to control everything around us and within us." 

   To conclude, I want to explain my title, "Falling and I Can Get Up." With this new view of how God loves me, it has changed everything. It isn't that I have stopped falling, but its that when I DO fall, I know that God's love for me does not change. Each and every time that I fall, I am closer to God than I was before. Looking back on my life, I can see that all of my falls and failures have been to redirect my trajectory. I see God in a new light. I feel God in a new way. I pray that each one of you reading this blog gets the chance to experience God like I have in this last year. It's not about doing, doing, doing. It's about letting go of the control and resting in the arms of Jesus. He has done it all. This is especially true with Joah. I cannot go through this life walking behind him making sure he doesn't fall. He is going to fall. We all do. But, the difference is that when he falls, even when I'm no longer around, Jesus will pick him up and love him, still.
   

  

Comfortability Reality Check

  This past week was my first week home with my son. For months I had anticipated this moment. Staying home with Joah. Ahh! Pure bliss! But nothing could prepare me for the reality of what my new life would actually look like. Luckily, Ryan was off Monday and Tuesday, so that made the transition a little easier. By the time Wednesday rolled around I was more than prepared to be at home alone with Joah...or so I thought. 

  Wednesday morning began with a not-so-good phone call. It put me in panic mode and I freaked out completely. In that moment of surprise, it was clear to me that my trust was in anything but Jesus. All hope was gone. I felt like a complete failure. I had a hard time that day really remembering that Jesus is my hope and my confidence cannot be in my flesh, ONLY in Him. I was reminded that my God is a God who provides. Provision is not something that God does, it's who He is. I am not perfect (and don't claim to be), but hear me on this--I genuinely thought my life was going great, good things were happening and I had it all together--but I began to realize that with those thoughts came arrogance. I was starting to rely on self and not my God. So, after a very humbling experience, God changed my heart and made it new. 

"Don't assume that you know it all, Run to God! Run from evil! Your body will  glow with health, your very bones will vibrate with life! Honor God with everything you own; give him the first and the best" 
Proverbs 3:7-9 MSG 

  I didn't really understand what exactly I was going to endure being a stay at home mom. I guess I just thought it was going to be a "field of daisies" and didn't think about the challenges that would come with it. For example. "when will I get a break?" "how will I have time to re-energize?" and "will it mess Joah's schedule up when I go out into the community?" At first, I was asking these questions out of pure frustration, but over the course of this week, my heart has changed and these questions now have answers. I will get a break. I will have time to re-energize. And being called to share the gospel is not about routine but about relationships.

  My husband and I were driving past my old workplace this afternoon and He says to me, "You didn't think that your life would be easier there than it is at home." He followed that up with the question, "Would you change it if you knew it was going to be this hard?" That really got me thinking. The answer is NO. NO-- I didn't think that my new job as a full-time mommy would be harder than it was at the bank. And NO-- I wouldn't change it for anything. When God calls us to greatER things, it's not always comfortable. It actually rarely is. The challenge and heartache of a greatER calling is a really good thing because it sets God up perfectly to shine. 

"9 But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me." 
2 Corinthians 12:9 ESV

   I thought that being home with Joah was going to be comfortable. I thought that my mommy instincts would take over and it would be smooth sailing from here on out. But, God sent me a "Comfortability Reality Check" on day 1. He has placed this calling on my heart. He gave me and my husband the faith to act on this calling. He will be the One giving me the strength each day to be the mommy He has called me to be. It's not about me. If it was, it really wouldn't work and we would all be in trouble. I am thankful that even though I have so many faults, God chose to use me. 

   I want to leave you with this quote from Pastor Hunter Wright:
"God does not accept our faults and failures like a friend, He removes them like a Savior."

Evangelism Paradigm Shift

   This past Sunday morning, my pastor, Pastor Hunter Wright, spoke about how evangelism is sharing our experiences with Jesus, not forcing human knowledge about Jesus down peoples' throats. How as Christ-followers, we are not called to stand on a street corner and tell others that they are going to hell for not believing what the Bible says, but about sharing what we love with those around us. Sadly, the prior is what telling others about Jesus has become. I believe this is why so many people who are far from God want nothing to do with Christians.

   This idea really struck a chord with my heart. Evangelism has always been such a burden to me. Like going and knocking on a stranger's door  was something I had to do as a Christian but never felt natural. But the paradigm shift of just sharing with people what I love was freeing. This actually does come naturally to me. I am so thankful for the freedom of the Gospel. Not the distorted image of the Gospel that I've been taught my entire life, but this TRUE Gospel that I'm learning about now. So, in this post I just want to share with you some of my experiences with Jesus. I don't have an agenda here. I just want to share things with you that I love.

   For those of you who have been reading my blog posts, you know this, but for those of you who haven't --- my last day at work was Friday. Honestly, it was quite a challenge for me being there. I kept thinking of the reality of my career change being so close but not yet in reach. I know that His timing is perfect and always has been. If He would have given me what I wanted back in November, things wouldn't be as good as they are now. I wanted to be home with Joah from the beginning, BUT my heart wasn't aligned with His desires at that time. Back then, my desires were to be the yoga pants-sit on the couch-stay at home mom all day, every day. Thankfully, God has brought me to this place. A place where my heart and His heart are the same. And it's all in His perfect timing for His glory. I was not created to just stay at home. I was called to be out in this community. Me leaving my workplace to be home with Joah is not something I have to do, but something I want to do.

   I am so thankful to Him for this great opportunity and for His favor during this time. If you look at our finances you would think we are completely crazy for choosing NOW to have me stay home, but we believe that God is a BIG God! Because of our God-given faith, we don't see it as being financially irresponsible, but as an opportunity to trust Him with EVERYTHING. We don't think it makes sense either, but we know this is what God has placed on our hearts. In order to further His kingdom we are choosing to completely trust in Him. After all, the money isn't ours in the first place.

   As strange as it sounds, being myself has always been difficult for me. I know what it was like to move away to a new place where only a handful of people knew you. So, me packing up and moving to Knoxville was pretty challenging. I've always had a hard time of feeling accepted. Because of this, I would build up walls and would do whatever it took to not allow them to be torn down. It took me about a year of living here to feel safe enough to be open with people. Right around that same time, we started going to information meetings at Ignition Church. This is significant because the church was brand new and was full of people who were new to the area. Through these people, God tore those walls down. Because of this,  I've been able to be my goofy self who says the stupidest things to make people laugh and smile. It's funny how God works through simple acts of obedience. I am so thankful that God is the one directing my steps and not myself. I tried that for a long time and it was exhausting.

   I am so thankful that God loves me even though He is the one who knows all my junk. He sees my selfishness and my desperation and still chooses to love me. What a great God! God is greater than my failures, greater than my fears and greater than my doubts. I praise God for allowing me to be a mommy and a wife and for giving me some pretty cool and amazing friends. I can look back in time in my life and see Him all over the place! He has always been there for me. Even when I thought He wasn't paying me any attention at all, He was there! Because of my relationship with Jesus, I am no longer scared of my future. I'm no longer worried about our finances. Because of Jesus, I finally have a purpose in this life. I can leave my doubts and fears at the door, because I know Jesus is enough.



Check out this song "Favor" by Elevation Worship. It's really impacted me lately.
Favor by Elevation Worship